Indian men have a very warped idea of what constitutes good sex. Brought up on an impoverished diet of porn with no sex education; no awareness about women’s sexual health and desire. Men are not informed (or otherwise) talk of sex in the family. They have an insecure, competitive discourse about it among peers and they end up with half-baked knowledge of best way of doing sex.
They understand intimacy in terms of length: length of penis, length of performance, length of pleasurable sensation. Not only is the idea of good sex here centred on the self (concern for the pleasure of the other person is simply not part of it), it is also a remarkably limited in its idea of pleasure.
The educated illiterate men run the sexual worlds of entertainment and pleasure resulting that from cinema to condoms advertisements: erroneous ideas of best way of doing sex circulates. Condom companies, for example, focus solely on their advertising of long-lasting pleasure, though they carry a warning that there are harsh chemicals in the product while ignoring the womens’ sexual health and desire.
“Yes, this is largely caused by a chemical called benzocaine, found in most condoms, resulting in numbness of your private parts. This has particularly harmful effects for women causing itching, burning and discomfort during lovemaking sessions, ignoring women sexual health in the process to satisfy sex desires” says Pallavi Banwal.
For men, the best way of doing sex is only all about how long it lasts. Condom companies (run by the same self-centred, sexually illiterate men) sell this fantasy and do not care about women’s sexual health, pleasure or pain either.
Long-lasting simply is not the point in good intimacy session. Good sex is all about mutual pleasure & foreplay, and all about what Germaine Greer called the diffusion of the sexual experience to all the erogenous zones in the body, about experiencing sensation in one’s own body and pleasuring the other.
In Indian men’s’ mind the best way of doing sex is Bad porn and macho ideology which only teach you that you have to go on and on forever. Men will tell you that they can fuck you all night (which sounds rather tiring and boring), that they have superb stamina (this is not a horse race), that they have long penises (usually they are deluded about their own size). This shows that they have a very limited understanding of sexual pleasure which is limited to penetration and ejaculation, usually in the missionary position. All the while ignoring the needs of the partner, equally involved in the act of lovemaking. For mutual satisfaction men need to consider broader perspectives like women sexual health and desire over long-lasting stamina.
This very straitjacketed understanding of best way of doing sex is part of the sexual repression – sexual explosion complex that mars Indian men’s understanding of women sex desire. The need to relax during lovemaking, speak to each other during it, have hours of foreplay and exploring the length and breadth of each other’s bodies.
Care over the choice of condom, care of one’s own body, and care for the body of the other – are the much-needed commandments which every couple should ideally follow if they want to enjoy good sex without demeaning their partners. Unless these become part of the sexual lives of Indians, we are doomed to an extremely unhappy populace, killing, instead of making love to each other or in other words following the practices of best ways of doing sex.
(Written by: Pallavi Barnwal, Founder of Redwomb, intimacy coach, TEDx speaker)